The Phase Out

I’m the kind of person who once I decide a guy is not for me, then he is definitely not for me. And sadly, although the aforementioned juror had a lot of promise, I realized by our second date that I just wasn’t feeling it… At. All. It wasn’t so much that there is anything wrong with him or that he did something so grievous that I couldn’t get past it. I just wasn’t feeling those butterflies you feel when you want to kiss someone. And then there was the fact that he introduced me to his mom. Yes, you read that right. On Date #2, I met his mother who, by the way, already knew who I was. So there was that.

But most importantly, I just felt like we had nothing in common. I totally want someone to bring some diversity to my life, but there has to be some common ground and understanding. There was not. Pretty much everything he said I could hear myself thinking – I disagree – and that’s just not the makings of a good relationship.

So towards the end of the night, I began employing my “what to do when a date isn’t going well” strategies hoping to potentially repel said fellow. And when I hadn’t heard from him for a few days, I congratulated myself on a job well done. But alas, the very polite gentleman got in touch again last week – despite the fact that he is across the country in the middle of the ocean. Sigh. Time to implement The Phase Out.

What’s The Phase Out? you ask… Well, duh, it is exactly what it sounds like. It is when you are too chicken-shit to say “Hey, thanks for those nice and thoughtful dates, but I don’t want to do you. So, um, sorry!” And instead, you just let the budding relationship lose momentum by slowly letting it fade away.

Now judgers, hold your tongues. I know you’ve all done this from time to time. Is it the most mature way to handle something? Probs not. But it is a lot kinder than telling someone that there is absolutely nothing they could have done differently, you are just not into them.

Tips for a Successful Phase Out

1. Evaluate if this situation has phase out potential. Certain scenarios lend themselves better to the phase out than others. For instance if one or both or you are traveling and/or have a large project at work. This helps immensely because no one can blame you for being hard to get a hold of and it is a natural momentum killer. So if you can plan a last minute business trip or take charge on a new work initiative, by all means, do so.

It’s also important to recognize that not all “relationships” are phase-out able. If someone is quite invested, it isn’t fair to just avoid them and let them wonder(/cry) about what they did wrong. Frankly, it would be kinder to just rip the band-aid off (albeit less comfortable for you).

Now, in my current situation with the juror, I do feel like this guy is disproportionately invested in someone he has been on 2 dates with. However, I am hoping that the fact that he is gone for the next 3 weeks makes my phase out attempt plausible.  We shall see…

2. Check your tools. Are you connected via social networks? Do you have friends in common? If so, this is the time to begin seeding these people and places with information. Talk about how busy you are, or how sick you are, or how stressed you are… whatever. It’s good evidence to back up whatever you are telling him. When I am really in a pickle, I begin posting on Facebook about my secret dating blog. That’ll scare them away just about every time. Weird, no one wants to star on Sex and the Twenties…

3. Don’t initiate contact. This one is obvious (I hope). But to be clear, I don’t care if you left your scarf in his car or you accidentally get drunk and want attention – no excuse makes contacting him ok. Should you initiate contact for any reason then you have ruined your ability to phase out. At that point you are just confusing the poor gal or fellow and your only option is a direct conversation. Those are the rules my friends.

4. Be slow to respond. If you answer his call or write back to every text right away, he’s going to think you are still super interested. If possible, time your responses so that they come at times that are hard for him or her to answer (eg during the work day). By waiting you are reinforcing that you are super busy while simultaneously making it harder for you to have a back and forth conversation.

5. Which bring me to my next point – avoid witty banter. This one is tough for me. I am a flirt and sometimes funny things just come to me. However, when executing a phase out, it is best to just be a snore. Keep texts and/or calls short and uninteresting. No sense in rubbing  their face in what they can’t have…

6. Don’t ask questions. When talking/texting any tactic that will extend the conversation longer, only hurts your cause.

7. Be committed. It’s called a phase out because it takes time. You can’t just be slow to respond to one text and think the person will get the message. This is all about being consistent over time to acheive desired results. Be patient, young grasshopper.

8. And finally, know when to throw in the towel. The phase out is only successful approx 50 percent of the time and you have to accept when it just isn’t going to work. In these cases you have two options 1. Nicely tell them you don’t like them (so awkward!) or 2. Make up something that is at least kind of true (think, “I’m not over my ex!“).  At this point you’ll need to be super clear, so don’t beat around the bush or say things about how maybe, down the road, things will be different. This guy or girl deserves to get on with his life and you deserve to stop feeling guilty for not liking them.

And there you have it – a detailed step-by-step on how to phase out someone  after a few dates. Now, if you have any additional ideas, leave me them in the comments, as I am still mid-phase out with the juror. Please and thanks!