What To Do on a Bad Date?

We’ve all been there… You agree to a date that you aren’t exactly jumping-up-and-down excited for. Maybe you don’t really remember what he looked like when you met him Friday night (hey, it was dark in there!). Maybe it’s a guy from Match. Or maybe it is a guy that you know you should like, but you just haven’t felt the sparks yet. Whatever the reason, you aren’t super pumped but you go anyway, just to see if maybe this guy is Mr. Right.

I support this. I’m a big believer in giving unlikely people a shot because I know it is possible to fall for someone you never would have expected. I learned this lesson at the ripe age of 20, when I kissed one of D’s friends just to piss D off. I ended up falling hard for this friend (only to lose him later because of D – sigh) and I’ve always remembered him as the guy who taught me to give people a chance. So, these days, when someone asks me out on a date and I think there is even a slim possibly that I could like him — I go for it.

The problem with this is, sometimes it doesn’t take longer than about twenty minutes to just know that this isn’t going to be one of those times. It’s not that there is anything wrong with these guys, I just know our personalities wouldn’t jive or there is something I find unattractive about them. So in times like these, what do you do?

I used to do nothing. I’d just go through the date being my usual extroverted self – asking questions, listening, laughing – just trying to be a generally nice/interesting person. However, I have learned that this strategy has flaws. The thing is, guys tend to like a girl who does all these things. Add to the fact that you are not nervous (since you are not at all interested) and all of a sudden you are being asked out on a second date. That’s not a good place to be in.

How to escape from a bad date?

Note – if you have balls enough to just tell the guy, “Hey you are cool but I don’t think I am interested” that would definitely be my recommended course of action. However, I do not have the ability to be that blunt, nor do any of my friends (girls OR guys for that matter), so here is my passive aggressive and yet effective way to handle the bad date situation:

They key is to be unattractive, but not awful. You don’t want to guy to feel pissed off that he wasted an evening with a horrible girl. Rather, you want him to think, “Eh nice girl, but probably not for me. I don’t think I’ll call her.” This way, everyone wins. Homeboy doesn’t have to feel rejected and you don’t have to figure out a way to tell him you aren’t interested in date #2.

So how do you accomplish this delicate balance of being unattractive but not a bitch? I like to talk about awkward things – like ex boyfriends, money, my career success, my favorite clothing designers… etc. I never lie or say things I don’t truly believe, I just say things that I would usually avoid on the first date. I also act nervous; avoiding eye contact, fidgeting with my clothes, stuff like that. I keep the night nice and short (under two hours) and offer to pick up my own tab(duh). I do not let him walk me to the car and I certainly don’t let him kiss me. And finally, I avoid saying any of the, “hey this was fun” statements, as it is my absolute pet peeve when a guy tells you how much fun he had and never calls.

Then I just pray that he went home and thought, “Meh, she’s not the one.”

Guaranteed, there are a lot of guys who are going to read this post and be very pissed off at me. (I tend to piss guys off on this blog a lot…) But here’s the thing, I’ve given this a lot of thought and I truly think this is the kindest way to go. Sure you can say you’d rather a girl just tell you she wasn’t interested, but really, how would you feel if someone stopped you twenty minutes into the date and said, “Oh I’m sorry, I’m just not feeling this. Can we be friends?” And then you are stuck there until you finish your food/drinks. Talk about a blow to the ego! And we all know how much it sucks when you think you had an absolutely amazing first date, only to never hear from that person again. I don’t want to do that either.

Furthermore, it’s not just girls who lack the balls to be straightforward. How many guys do you know who have ever, in the history of the world, told a girl, “actually I am not that interested in you.” Uh pretty close to zero (hence why the book/movie He’s Just Not That Into You was so popular). The truth is, both sexes suck at gracefully saying, “thanks, but no thanks.” We can bitch about this, or we can accept it as fact, and move forward.

If you do accept this as a fact, then you’ll see that being a less than perfect date is actually quite kind. It’s like the white lies you have to tell your friend when she asks you if her shirt makes her look pudgy. It protects the other person’s feelings, doesn’t lead them on, and saves them from thinking about how awesome you are when you already know you have no intention of seeing them again.

So what do you think? How do you handle a date that you just aren’t feeling? Do you just act your usual charming self and then avoid/decline the date when he calls you? Or do you only go on a date with someone you already know you are going to be crazy about? And if you are a brave soul who can actually tell a guy, “no thanks,” want to give me some pointers on how to do this? That would be neat, thanks.